By: Brit Meiers, LCSW, Profile Employee Assistance Program
I remember feeling tremendous regret after hearing of the death of an old high school friend. I wished that I would have reached out more and told them how I appreciated their kindness when we were classmates. I had a similar feeling when my aunt had cancer and was in hospice. I simply had to go to work instead of visiting her that one last time. Later, I blamed myself for not being a better niece when she was around.
It’s normal to fall into nagging feelings that maybe you could have done more or done something differently after a death. Greenberg (2012a), an author on regret, states that it involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been, or wishing we could undo a previous choice we made. Falling into regret, the “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” after death is a reality for most humans. Regret can be an emotion that hooks our attention quickly and holds us for great lengths of time. Which is why it is worth looking at how to move through regret and find ways to cope.
First, a few things on regret (adapted from Greenberg, 2012a):
- Regret, like all emotions, has a purpose in the human survival system. It’s a way our brain lets us evaluate our choices and can help us understand if our actions are leading to adverse outcomes. We have regret in order to learn from our perceived mistakes and to do better next time.
- Regret is a sticky emotion, meaning that once it develops it can stay around for a while. We can get stuck blaming ourselves for events we may have had very little control over. When this happens, it can turn into depression and severely damage how we view ourselves. The antidote is self-forgiveness. We can carefully consider if there was anything we could have done differently, but often there is nothing we can do to change the problem. Then, we must find ways to let go. A helpful exercise is to imagine how you would coach a loved one in the same situation if you were trying to make them feel better.
- Experiencing regret means we might be blaming ourselves too harshly. Slow down and consider the circumstances. Generally, we will find that the situations which cause regret are ones where making the best decision are extremely difficult. Maybe we had limited knowledge at the time, or had to make a split-second decision, or were dealing with multiple problems at once. Any of those things will decrease our ability to make well thought out choices that align with our values.
How to cope with the feeling of regret (adapted from Griffin, 2021):
- Stay in the moment. Regret comes up when our thinking is stuck in the past. When our thinking is stuck in the past, it can get in the way of what is currently happening in our life. Finding ways to focus back on the present moment will help. One way to shift focus to the present moment is by turning your attention to what is happening physically around you right now. Start with your breath. Try tuning into your inhale, exhale, and rise and fall of your chest.
- Connect with your senses. When you need to get reconnected to the present moment quickly, try tapping into your five senses (sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste). Notice what you can see around you, what you can hear in that moment, if you can smell anything, and what you can physically feel. You can even try noticing your sense of taste – maybe with some tea or mint gum. Getting back into our physically senses signals to our nervous system that we are safe in this moment and helps bring us back to the present.
- Try some self-compassion. Research shows that when we learn to accept that we’re human, capable of making mistakes, and that we can’t be the best versions of ourselves in every moment, we actually increase our happiness and decrease our likelihood of dwelling in negative emotions, like regret. Learn to find ways to accept yourself as you are. It’s not helpful to apply overly harsh judgments and evaluations of yourself and your actions. Remind yourself that you are growing every day, and each day you can choose to move toward being a kinder, better version of yourself. One way to practice self-compassion is by treating yourself like you would treat a close friend. In a moment where you might not feel good enough, ask yourself, “What would I say to a good friend who was feeling this way?”
- Don’t get caught up in the stinkin’ thinkin’ cycle. When experiencing regret, our thoughts can be pretty dark and negative. First, learn to accept that all your thoughts and feelings are probably pretty normal after a death. If you are worried about your thinking or mood, seek professional support from someone who can help like a therapist, doctor or spiritual advisor. Second, after noticing a cycle of negative thought patterns, try to replace them with something more helpful. If you feel like you have made a mistake, instead of getting down on yourself, remind yourself that it’s an opportunity to learn and grow.
- Give gratitude. Though we cannot change the past, we can learn to be grateful for it. Though the person has died, gratitude will allow you to experience and celebrate the impact the person’s life had in the present moment. Try to remember the happy memories you had together. Find gratitude for the role that you played in each other’s lives. Think of ways that your relationship had a positive impact on the both of you. Giving gratitude has many lasting emotional, physical, and social benefits including the ability to block negative emotions. It is almost impossible to feel both gratitude and upsetting emotions at the same time.
Regret is normal and can be useful if it helps motivate action to learn from our past and become a better version of ourselves. However, it can also cause damage to our mind and body if we become stuck in it. Our task as grievers is to find ways to accept ourselves as human, recognizing that all of our emotions and reactions are part of our grieving process, and forgive ourselves for the mistakes or missed opportunities we might have had with the deceased. When we can sit with the feeling that we did the best we could given the circumstances and learn how we might do things differently in the future, we are more likely to find peace. And we can let those who died rest as well.
If you are experiencing regret or any other emotional hardship regarding grief, please call Profile EAP at 1-800-645-6571 for free, confidential support today.
References:
- Banschick, M. (2015, May 1). Regret - 8 Ways to Move On. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201505/regret-8-ways-move
- Greenberg, M. (2012a, May 16). The Psychology of Regret. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201205/the-psychology-regret
- Greenberg, M. (2012b, June 1). The Neuroscience of Regret. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201206/the-neuroscience-regret
- Griffin, T. (2021, June 3). How to Clear Regrets After Someone Dies. WikiHow. https://www.wikihow.com/Clear-Regrets-After-Someone-Dies
- Roese, N. J., & Summerville, A. (2005). What We Regret Most … and Why. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(9), 1273–1285. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167205274693
- Williams, L. (2017, April 12). Guilt and Grief: coping with the shoulda, woulda, couldas. What’s Your Grief. https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/
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